Longing for the There, and not the Here

Angkor wat, Cambodia
It is a curse.
To long for the there and not the here. For wander and sore feet.
It is a curse.
To be present, but never fully. To be a slave of an never ending desire for movement.  


When one decides to tame what shouldn’t be tamed – himself, it feels like slowly dying. Soul feels it. Feet became impatient residents of one’s body. Eyes are getting hungry while heart whispers silently: “This is not for me. This is not for me”. But shush dear heart, don’t make it even harder.

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“I will find you”

I will find you

I don’t remember the exact moment when I find it.
Thai people walked in silence around the temple and I sobbed like a baby. They stared at me. I stared at the big golden Buddha in Nakhon Pathom. So after two and a half years of waiting I came to Thailand to cry? In front of the Buddha?! What happened to me?!
I felt oceans of sadness pouring out. There I was. Finally traveling. Finally doing things my way yet I cried and cried, wondering what launches an avalanche of strange feelings inside me.


I started walking. I glanced at the monk who stood silently next to me in orange robe. When the last tear dried I felt a frightening void. But footsteps became lighter. Breathing became slower and all of a sudden I could feel myself.
What changed?


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Into the Jungle (Pai)

Into the jungle

Pai is a getaway. Pai is wild, yet it smells like home.

“Pai. You have to go to Pai. Don’t miss Pai.”
As soon as I arrived in Chiang Mai, other travelers  started telling me the same – go to Pai! I never even heard of  this small town, nestled in the hills of Mae Hong Son province in northern Thailand.
It was only a three hour ride from Chiang Mai so I bought the ticket.  The ride itself felt liberating. Golden light peeking through the glass of the mini van… Driving through the perfect jungle scenery. Bananas. Only bananas and the mountain roads.

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